This is going to be a pain to type, I have a bandage on the tip of the finger that deals with “L” and “O” - I cut myself on a piece of uncleaned broken glass in the bathroom (it’s easily from last August). I had a bit of a spiral since yesterday. Yesterday started well, fairly uneventful job interview, then wrote some letters. I mentioned earlier that the boy situation in my life didn’t alleviate certain issues, as true as that may be, I can’t say they don’t create issues. I am (I guess was, at this point), “Expiration Dating” two guys. Once of which has caused me pain on and off since late last year. —>
It is mortifying to admit how much someone else’s actions have effected me. When he disappoints me, I end up curling up in a ball, eat a lot of terrible food (comfort), and basically am rendered incapable of doing anything productive the rest of the day. The guy I met in January is still around, but I haven’t seen him since he stopped staying at my apartment. While this upsets me, it doesn’t put me into these fits of despair. The second guy, actually treats me better than any guy I’ve met in YEARS. He’s honest, compassionate, and he just gets it. I knew how much I had gotten twisted up over the first guy, yet I continue to let him in, no matter how often my subconscious tells me how much easier it will be when he’s out of my life in April. —>
Basically, an example of how I have a tendency to indulge self-destructive tendencies when something goes wrong, whether it’s my fault or not. It’s a bit childish, I know, but then again, it also stems from this part of me that hates myself. I think it first appeared sometime in 2nd grade, whenever my interaction with peers became so cruel. Another story for later.
Mar 16 -
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 20 years old.
I believe the symptoms were identifiable earlier.
I plan on sorting through previous blogs and journals and memories to better understand my own experience with depression.
Please note, I don't expect anyone to read this. However, if you do, all I would hope you take away from my ramblings is that depression is real. And if you suffer from it, know that you are not alone.