I have been unemployed the majority of my 4 years since college ended. I’ve never been able to pay rent without my parents. If there’s one thing that erodes any self-worth or positive energy, it’s whenever this fact hits me. And as someone that’s unemployed - it happens a lot. I recently got a part-time, work from home job as a script reader. My initial excitement over potentially having some income was dashed pretty hard today - your work volume is based on how quickly you can respond to an email. I’ve missed out on several assignments, and it’s pushed me into a bit of a breakdown today.
I don’t know why I haven’t been utilizing this blog as of late. I’ve been stuck in one of my longer episodes of depression, and I can’t seem to completely break away from it. I’ve gained weight. I’ve stopped making plans. I’ve ignored a lot of people. The only good that’s come out of this, is that I’ve gotten more writing done. The hard thing is trying to break out of this situation, be more responsible for my health, and get back to my preferred functioning level.
I’ve hit a real pit of dispair again. To the point where I began searching out depression studies. I found one and qualified, but I was not going to be allowed to drink for 22 weeks. I’m not an alcoholic (though it runs on both sides of my family), but I can’t imagine giving up drinking for that long. I’m a social drinker. Of course, since I’ve declined the study, I have also withdrawn from my social life. Therefore, the original reason for decline doesn’t seem to be valid any longer. I rarely drink alone, as I know the slippery slope it could become considering family history.
I went through my twitter account, all the way back to when I started it in summer 2009. Not only were there a surprising amount of typos, there is enough whining on that thing to make my depression contagious.
I should leave my whining confined to tumblr. You’re welcome.
May 27
Social Media
In light of a recent creative dry spell, I decided to sort through some “journals” I started keeping sometime in college, back when I started using Moleskine notebooks. I’d always collected notebooks, always thought I’d write in them until they were full. It didn’t happen until I bought one of these amazing journals. I knew they existed, but it didn’t dawn on me to purchase one until a second sighting. The fascinating thing to me, was the evidence of depression before my diagnosis. I display all the symptoms, via my description, but I never really took it seriously or as something to fix until I was diagnosed. Funny how that happens.
Mar 30
Semi-Consistent Journals
Mar 18
Still from The Princess Bride - The Pit of Despair. It just feels fitting considering that’s how I describe my current state of mind.
For whatever reason, this has been a terrible week. I’ve barely been productive in any fashion, and the list of tasks to accomplish continues to grow. I need to keep up with the job and apartment search, I need to be better when it comes to my health, and my creativity. I haven’t written anything substantial in a significant period of time, and I’m simply not making any big moves to pursue my career (sitcom writer). Instead, I’ve been oversleeping (in spite of my medication), and overeating, and watching The Office on Netflix. —>
I’m starting to worry about whether or not I’ll be able to really pull myself out of this. Not too many people are aware of what I’m going through, those that have some idea, don’t have the full scope. Even if they did, I doubt they’d know what to do. I don’t even know what to do. I guess just keep hoping I’ll see a reason to improve my situation, and maybe start trying again.
